Hello Again

So I know it's been for ever since I last posted, like more than 6 months ago, but I thought I'd start out slowly into the world of blogging again. So no pictures this post, just my thoughts. Lucky you.

So lately I've been learning a lot about myself, like the fact that I'm an all or nothing kinda person and that things like blogging and having a clean house and making sure all of my FB posts and text messages are perfect give me anxiety. I think more than anything I've learned that I expect perfection in life for so many things even though I know that I'm not perfect and that life's not perfect. So now my new motto in life has just been to try. Even if I didn't spell out all the words in a text to a friend or even if my house is messy, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't send that text or that I should give up on my house completely. In the bigger picture this means that just because I can't read an entire book of scripture in one night or I can't attend the temple every week, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't at least try to read one verse of scripture a night or to attend the temple once a month, even once every other month is better than nothing.

So I have been trying. And the results are so much more than I expected. It's amazing what happens when you try and don't expect perfection. The results are much less disappointing. :) This definitely extends to my children. I get so much anxiety thinking about how I'm not the perfect mother and how everybody else does more and does a better job than I do. It's this kind of thinking that causes me to miss out on my children and their wonderful, beautiful souls. Heavenly Father sent them to me because I was meant to be their mother and they were meant to be my children. I know this now more than ever. Having them has been the greatest spiritual experience of my life in so many ways. And if I don't try with them, then I will miss out on all the blessings and experiences that were meant for me and them. They are so patient and forgiving of me. Now I know what the Savior meant when He said to be as the little children.

Today was a great day of trying. Not perfect, but still a wonderful, great day. We watched too much tv, as usual (I think that this is my greatest weakness as a mother, getting lost on the computer and on the tv), but we also:

• played outside in the snow
• built a snowman (eventually all his "teeth" fell out because the snow started to melt, I told Sophie that's what happens if you don't brush your teeth)
• I exercised (a new goal of mine because it helps me feel so good inside and out)
• Josh recorded a song for his work (it's pretty awesome, I might put it on here, then maybe he'd read my blog)
• Soph, Noah, and I played on the bed in our bedroom while he recorded it and we had soo much fun throwing pillows at each other and jumping. It makes want to do that more often. It seems that whenever we're in the same room as the tv it somehow gets turned on and ruins everything. I've heard of people making covers for their tv's, I think I might do that.
• I gave the kiddies a bath, always a fun time.
• We ate dinner as a family, another goal of mine. It's fun to eat dinner together with no tv or music or anything, just us talking and laughing.
• We read scriptures about how we can know the truth of all things if we ask Heavenly Father with a sincere heart. This was in place of our FHE because the whole day was kind of that since Josh had it off. We've been doing really good with our FHE's and I can feel the difference it has made in our home. I'm a believer! This is something I do feel good about as a mother. The funny part about tonight was how Sophie described the Holy Ghost. We told her it's like a burning in your heart and then she said something like, "Mommy, I have a fire in my tummy and so do you." Then she just kept talking about how some part of our anatomy was on fire. It was pretty funny. We couldn't stop laughing. I tried to tell her it wasn't really "burning", but it was too late. So now, whenever we talk about feeling the Holy Ghost, she thinks one of us in on fire. :)
• I tried today. That was a good thing.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about what it must feel like to lose a child. I know that this seems kind of morbid and depressing, but I've known a lot of people lately who have lost infants in particular and I always wonder how you live through something like that. Tonight I found the blog of that family whose little girl fell in the canal in Idaho and drowned. She was resuscitated and lived for a week before passing away, and the thoughts of her mother are amazing to read. She is a strong girl and I want to be more like her. She truly has such a strong testimony of the Gospel. I do too, but sometimes I wonder what I would do if something like that ever happened to me. I think I know, I hope I know, but that's something I hope I never have to experience.

Through reading her blog though, I have come to a renewed want and motivation to live life to the fullest I can, with my children especially. To cherish every moment. To find balance in life. Being a good mother doesn't necessarily mean you have to be with your children every waking moment of their lives. That would deprive them of so many opportunities and learning experiences. I think that's what I thought being a good mom meant, never leaving your children for anything. But that's doesn't give me a chance to miss them and appreciate what I have. So tomorrow I'm going to turn the tv off, I'm going to hide the iPad, and I'm not going to get on the computer until the kiddies are down for naps.

I am going to live my life. I am going to play with my children, even if it's not perfect and even if I don't know what to do with them. I am going to challenge myself to be more of a mother, more of a person, and more of a daughter of God.

I am so thankful for all I have. I am truly so blessed. My life is not perfect. I am not perfect. My children are not perfect. But I am trying and that is all that the Savior has asked of me. Is to try.

Happy Father's Day!

So I just to had to give a shout out to my hubby, his dad, and my dad and thank them for being great fathers, even if it is almost a week late. There are so many people that don't get good dads, and I'm lucky enough to have at least 3 of them in my life.

My husband is the best dad. He loves his kids so much and helps me with them whenever he can. He definitely is not just a baby daddy, but really is involved with and loves his kids. I hear these women complain about how their husbands don't even know how to give their children baths and I think to myself how lucky I am. He is the father I always wanted for my children.

I'm glad we're an eternal family.

My father-in-law is also a great dad. He helped to raise 5 great boys, 4 of whom have served missions or are serving missions and 2 of whom have gotten married in the temple to wonderful, amazing, beautiful women :) (right Kimberly?). He is a man of God and won't compromise on his covenants and personal standards. He has like 5 church callings, no kidding, and is a faithful servant of the lord. I am grateful he raised me a good man. And he tells some awesome lawyer jokes. :)

My dad is a wonderful man as well. To be honest, growing up I didn't really understand or appreciate him very much. He is pretty private and went through hard times with his first marriage, which I think made him more guarded, even with his own family. But he loves his girls, yes all 6 of them, fiercely. And I know that he has a testimony of the Gospel. He lives it daily. I am thankful that he hung on through those hard years and that he taught us girls simple truths that will stand the test of time. He is a great man and I love him. Plus, he has the oddest sense of humor, which I think is hilarious. What a stud! Look at that smile!

(BTW--That's my dad's mom and grandma in this picture, which makes my great grandma and my children's great great grandma! Shabam! I skyped with her the other day, not sure if she knew what was going on, and she told me, "I'm 96 years old." She's so cute. We share the same b-day. July 31st. It's also Harry Potter's b-day. Pretty awesome.)

So Happy Father's Day to all the men and daddy's in my life. I am so blessed.

Happy Father

Recently

So nothing too exciting has been going on, besides our kids growing and us living life. Sophie has been doing really well potty training, although we have yet to take her out with just panties on. I've found that when I put even pull ups on her she doesn't think she has to use the potty anymore. So lately we've seen a lot of this running around our house :):

Sophie pointing at her poo. Alright!

And Sophie turned 2, which is unbelievable and totally believable at the same time. It definitely seems like it's been 2 years, and to be honest it feels like she's been 2 for awhile (she's so advanced you know, must of gotten my genes :) ), but then when I think about the fact that I have a 2 year old, I think, "No way! I'm still a kid myself!" (which is mostly true). Sometimes I hate to tell people my age because they freak out, "You're sooo young!" I don't judge you for being old, so stop judging me for being young and choosing to have a family. Yes I chose to get married and then have children, not the other way around. P.S. Your mom.

But Sophie really is such a good girl. She is one of the most loving kids and is so concerned about the welfare of others, especially her brother. We tried to get pictures of them and everytime I set Noah down to get his picture she would freak out! "Momma pick up Noah! Momma hug Noah! Momma get Noah!" said with snot and tears running down her face while screaming. She never freaks out like that and tantrums are rare if nonexistent, so this was something new for me. Sweet, but kinda of frustrating when trying to get cute pictures done. :)

Noah is still the same sweet, precious baby. He sleeps through the night (thank the Lord, literally) and giggles and coos like no other. He even smells like a baby, Sophie never had that smell, and I just can't get enough of him. I truly love being a mother. I feel like this is what I was born to do. It's really hard to find the balance of me time and time with kids and the hubby and church and everything else we have going on in our lives. But to me this is 10,000 times better than a real job. I'm thankful to Josh for sacrificing for us, although I know that my job is hard too. I truly see why the women are meant to stay at home, we're cut out for it and I have no shame in saying that. I'm ok with the fact that men and women are innately different. We're supposed to be because we balance each other out. I have strengths that Josh doesn't and vice versa. Can you imagine if we were both the same one way or the other?

Anyway, sorry my posts are always so long, I don't do them very often so when I do they're ginormous! Like a spewing of all my thoughts over the last few weeks.

To end, here are some shots I took with my awesome Christmas present, I think I'm getting better. My dream is to be a professional photographer someday (along with opening up a clothing store for nursing mothers and toddlers, I hate not being able to wear dresses while nursing!). I love taking pictures. Capturing that moment. It's art.

We're Doin' Alright

So now that I have two kids and have had them for 6 weeks and 3.5 days, I can safely say that we're doin' alright. It seems normal to have 2 kids now and I love the mother it's helping me to become. Don't worry, I still have "those" days (the ones where you don't think you'll make it out alive), but overall things have transitioned relatively smoothly. It's always hard once your mom leaves, moms make everything better, but once she was gone and I knew that it was me or me who had to take care of things, I somehow found the strength and determination to do it. Funny how that always happens. We're always so much more capable than we think we are.

But Noah is still the same sweet baby he was when he was born. All babies are beautiful, precious, and sweet, but some just seem a little bit more so than others...if you know what I mean. ;) He seems to already have the patience of a saint, he will wait for me while I take care of Soph--even if he's starving, he loves when you talk to him, and his needs are very basic. If he's dry, fed, and comfy, he's good to go. It might just be my confidence as a second time mom, but things seem so much easier this time around. I feel like I'm getting spoiled and that baby #3 will be our wild child since my first two have been so easy. Or maybe their teenage years are going to be their wild years--who knows! I don't know which I'd prefer, crazy babies, or crazy teens. How bout neither. :) We'll see, no one gets that lucky. haha

Soph is still great as a big sister. She genuinely loves her brother, and it's so wonderful to see her affection towards him. Apparently I wasn't so loving to my twin younger sisters, although I'm perfect so I don't know if I believe my mother's horror stories, but I'm grateful she is such a good girl with him. Rarely do we have to remind her to be gently, although she doesn't show too much interest in wanting to hold him yet, which might be a good thing right now. She has already developed so much more in her language and communication skills, probably out of necessity since I ignore her if I can't understand her because I'm so busy doing other stuff. She is so smart and the things she knows and understands amazes me everyday. Children are so much deeper than I ever understood and it truly is a testament to what Heavenly Father means when he says we should be more like little children. They are so forgiving and pure, no inhibitions or ulterior motives (yes, I just googled how to spell that word, totally thought it was with an a!), yet they aren't stupid. They still understand things so well, they just haven't been corrupted yet.

I'm doing alright too. Noah sleeps like a champ, so that hasn't been too much of an issue this time around. This time it's feeling guilty for always having the tv on to keep Sophie busy while I feed Noah or clean. It's not having the energy or time, or I should say not making the energy or time, to read my scriptures period, forget studying them. It's not feeling like I'm really communicating with my Heavenly Father and always remembering him. Most of the time I say my prayers in bed and fall asleep half way through. I feel lost sometimes, like I don't really know who I am anymore because I never have the time to think about it or worry about it. I am the dishwasher, the caretaker, the bathgiver, the diaper changer, the feeding machine, the food maker, the laundry doer, the mess cleaner upper, etc. etc. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed with great friends and family who help me, especially my sweet husband Josh who always folds the clothes for me, but sometimes I think, should I have waited longer to get married and start a family? I never really had me time. But then I look at the rest of the world and my friends from HS who took that "me time" and aren't anywhere near as happy and content as I am and I think, I am so thankful I married the person I married in the right place and at the right time. And I know my children came when they were supposed to because I prayed about it and felt it was right and then Heavenly Father blessed me with healthy, beautiful babies. There is still a balance to everything and I take me time when I need it, like right now, but I know that my family is shaping me into the person I want to become more than anything else could. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason as I get older and see patterns and the causes and effects of things in my life. I know that Heavenly Father is indeed aware of me and my struggles and that he knows I'm doing my best. I think I feel guilty when I know I'm not doing my best. But sometimes even that's ok, it's impossible to do your best in ever area of your life.

I'm pretty sure Josh is doing ok too. I'm sure he feels like all he does is work, work, work! He is wonderful and always supports me and sometimes listens to me when I rant and rave about life, poor guy. ;) He is a great daddy and loves his family. He shows us everyday by working hard for us and by making sure we're taken care of. He is my other half and I couldn't do this without him.

Overall, we're all doing great. Noah is smiling more everyday and is starting to try to tell us all those thoughts we can see brewing in his mind. I just know he's going to have so much to say once he learns how to say it. I am so thankful for all I have, and I know that at this point in my life I am doing exactly what I should be--being a mother. As Noah gets older, I can start doing all these projects I have in my head that I want to accomplish, but for now I'm just happy to eat, shower, have a clean house, and maybe even a little makeup on. I'm so lucky and I count my blessings if not daily, then at least every other day. ;) haha

Here are a few pictures to show off how cute my kids are. =0)

So beautiful.

Easter baskets! I feel like such a grown-up/mom now that I'm the one who puts the eater baskets out. Sorry to burst your bubble if you still thought the easter bunny was real. :)

Daddy with the kiddos.

Mr. Man showing his personality.

Feet. I've been practicing with my awesome Christmas present that Josh got me. I'm doing ok, but there's definitely room for improvement. Photography is a lot harder than it looks, that's all I have to say.

My cute little darling!

Sophie on Easter.

Mr. Man.

Bath time--he looks a little psychotic here, but we swear he really is so cute!

Anywho, that's my life in a nutshell the last few weeks. Hopefully I'll be back again soon my adoring fans!

He's Here!

Noah Joshua Dickinson was born on 4/1/11 at 12:41 pm weighing in at 8 lbs. 6 oz. and measuring 19 3/4 inches in length. Phew! I never thought I had 8 lbs. plus of baby in me. :) He is healthy and strong and has one of the sweetest spirits. He is sleeping for 2-4 hours at a time, hallelujah! And he eats like a champ. We feel so blessed! My mom was here for a bout a week and a half helping us transition to having 2 kiddos. I miss her terribly and was so glad she was able to share this experience with me.

Sophie has adjusted to being a big sister beautifully. She is so sweet with him and always gets very concerned when he cries. She shares her blankets with him, although promptly removes them and says, "Mine!", we're working on that one, and is always rubbing his head or being sweet with him in some way. She has been craving more attention, but since she was not cuddly in the least before, I am loving it.

Labor, delivery, post-partum stuff has all gone so much smoother this time around. I don't know if he's just that good of a baby, or if it's Josh and I's confidence this time around, but it seems a lot easier. I keep waiting for everything to go to pieces, but so far so good. I know that day will come when Josh will come home and I'll just break down in tears because it's been one of "those days," but so far I love having two kids. I know what people mean now when they say their family is complete. We've been waiting so long for him to join our family, and now he's finally here. Yay!

I'll share my labor story later, nothing too exciting, although it was only like 4 hours, holy cow! And can I just say that I love epidurals. :) I so admire those women who do it naturally, but for now I am content with my pain meds.

My mom with the babes. (Love this picture!)

Here's me right before going in to get induced. Looking at this, I could believe there was an 8 pound baby in me. Whoa mamma was I big! Thank goodness I've gone down way quicker this time around, another pleasant surprise to being a second-time mom. Although those after labor contractions were quite the nasty little things. And yes, I surrendered and gave in to the temptation of Pitocin. And on April Fools, nonetheless, poor kid. I was already dilated to a 4, was 100% effaced, but was having 0 contractions and had been like that for about a week. I was dying. Or at least I thought I was. It literally felt like he was going to fall out when I walked, sat, breathed. It was probably a good thing I had him when I did otherwise I might have had to deliver a 9 pound baby. Then I probably would have died, for reals.

Here's my two awesome children loving on each other. How lucky am I?

Anywho, we're all doing great. I'm dealing with the baby blues a little, sometimes I just start crying and get incredibly sad for no apparent reason. But it's so much better than last time. Maybe it's having my own apartment this time around and not having to experience first-time motherhood in a house full of boys and other people, maybe it was having my mom here with me and not just visiting during the day, maybe it's my experience as a second-time mom, but whatever it is, I have immediate joy from this little man. He is a gentle soul and I know he was sent to our family, to me, for a reason. Let's just hope we do right by him. Lucky little devil. :)

It's a Baby...

Boy!! So on Nov. 15th we got to go and have our ultrasound. Baby is totally healthy and quite the little mover. I haven't scanned the ultrasound pictures in yet, but it's definitely a boy. And unlike with Sophie, I already knew what the name was going to be if this one was a boy. So, we're excited to say that this little man will be called Noah Joshua Dickinson.

I have always LOVED the name Noah, so I thought it was a great pick for this little boy. I was really shocked that it's a boy--I totally thought it was a girl (maybe because everyone in my family is a girl). But since Josh comes from a family of all boys, I guess the odds were in our favor. At least we know for sure we'll always have one of each. :) Now onto the clothes shopping since everything we have is totally girlie.

Sophie was so cute during the whole ultrasound. She kept saying, "Bebe, bebe!" She already gives my belly kisses and asks to see my "bebe" multiple times a day (I actually think she's trying to say bellybutton, she thinks it's really funny to see our bellybuttons, but I like to pretend that she's talking about Noah). haha I guess that's my right as a mother to make things up! But we're so excited to welcome this little man into our lives. Now I get to learn about scouting, the different priesthood levels, a mission, and all that good stuff that comes with having a son, although with girls you get to plan their weddings. :) And as Grandpa Dickinson said, at least we know the Dickinson name will live on. My poor dad has to rely on his siblings' kids to carry on our family name of Bateson. Sorry dad! But girls really are the best. :) Anyway, we can't wait to meet you Noah sometime around April 6th-ish.