So lately I've been learning a lot about myself, like the fact that I'm an all or nothing kinda person and that things like blogging and having a clean house and making sure all of my FB posts and text messages are perfect give me anxiety. I think more than anything I've learned that I expect perfection in life for so many things even though I know that I'm not perfect and that life's not perfect. So now my new motto in life has just been to try. Even if I didn't spell out all the words in a text to a friend or even if my house is messy, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't send that text or that I should give up on my house completely. In the bigger picture this means that just because I can't read an entire book of scripture in one night or I can't attend the temple every week, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't at least try to read one verse of scripture a night or to attend the temple once a month, even once every other month is better than nothing.
So I have been trying. And the results are so much more than I expected. It's amazing what happens when you try and don't expect perfection. The results are much less disappointing. :) This definitely extends to my children. I get so much anxiety thinking about how I'm not the perfect mother and how everybody else does more and does a better job than I do. It's this kind of thinking that causes me to miss out on my children and their wonderful, beautiful souls. Heavenly Father sent them to me because I was meant to be their mother and they were meant to be my children. I know this now more than ever. Having them has been the greatest spiritual experience of my life in so many ways. And if I don't try with them, then I will miss out on all the blessings and experiences that were meant for me and them. They are so patient and forgiving of me. Now I know what the Savior meant when He said to be as the little children.
Today was a great day of trying. Not perfect, but still a wonderful, great day. We watched too much tv, as usual (I think that this is my greatest weakness as a mother, getting lost on the computer and on the tv), but we also:
- played outside in the snow
- built a snowman (eventually all his "teeth" fell out because the snow started to melt, I told Sophie that's what happens if you don't brush your teeth)
- I exercised (a new goal of mine because it helps me feel so good inside and out)
- Josh recorded a song for his work (it's pretty awesome, I might put it on here, then maybe he'd read my blog)
- Soph, Noah, and I played on the bed in our bedroom while he recorded it and we had soo much fun throwing pillows at each other and jumping. It makes want to do that more often. It seems that whenever we're in the same room as the tv it somehow gets turned on and ruins everything. I've heard of people making covers for their tv's, I think I might do that.
- I gave the kiddies a bath, always a fun time.
- We ate dinner as a family, another goal of mine. It's fun to eat dinner together with no tv or music or anything, just us talking and laughing.
- We read scriptures about how we can know the truth of all things if we ask Heavenly Father with a sincere heart. This was in place of our FHE because the whole day was kind of that since Josh had it off. We've been doing really good with our FHE's and I can feel the difference it has made in our home. I'm a believer! This is something I do feel good about as a mother. The funny part about tonight was how Sophie described the Holy Ghost. We told her it's like a burning in your heart and then she said something like, "Mommy, I have a fire in my tummy and so do you." Then she just kept talking about how some part of our anatomy was on fire. It was pretty funny. We couldn't stop laughing. I tried to tell her it wasn't really "burning", but it was too late. So now, whenever we talk about feeling the Holy Ghost, she thinks one of us in on fire. :)
- I tried today. That was a good thing.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about what it must feel like to lose a child. I know that this seems kind of morbid and depressing, but I've known a lot of people lately who have lost infants in particular and I always wonder how you live through something like that. Tonight I found the blog of that family whose little girl fell in the canal in Idaho and drowned. She was resuscitated and lived for a week before passing away, and the thoughts of her mother are amazing to read. She is a strong girl and I want to be more like her. She truly has such a strong testimony of the Gospel. I do too, but sometimes I wonder what I would do if something like that ever happened to me. I think I know, I hope I know, but that's something I hope I never have to experience.
Through reading her blog though, I have come to a renewed want and motivation to live life to the fullest I can, with my children especially. To cherish every moment. To find balance in life. Being a good mother doesn't necessarily mean you have to be with your children every waking moment of their lives. That would deprive them of so many opportunities and learning experiences. I think that's what I thought being a good mom meant, never leaving your children for anything. But that's doesn't give me a chance to miss them and appreciate what I have. So tomorrow I'm going to turn the tv off, I'm going to hide the iPad, and I'm not going to get on the computer until the kiddies are down for naps.
I am going to live my life. I am going to play with my children, even if it's not perfect and even if I don't know what to do with them. I am going to challenge myself to be more of a mother, more of a person, and more of a daughter of God.
I am so thankful for all I have. I am truly so blessed. My life is not perfect. I am not perfect. My children are not perfect. But I am trying and that is all that the Savior has asked of me. Is to try.